


Winter Night

by Yazu



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 16:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12214263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yazu/pseuds/Yazu
Summary: In the coldness of winter night it's easy to forget promises.





	Winter Night

Looking outside filled him with mixed feelings. Winter is the best and the worst of all the seasons, especially in a secluded area like their neighbourhood. With it's long nights, general lack of sunlight and cold weather it was a paradise for people like Ritsu, but along with it came snow and ice which weren't that good anymore. He had never found any joy in disgusting white trash that Mao tried to throw at him and called it "funny game", and ice was one big trap, demanding from him to pay attention to his surroundings... So bothersome. Way too much in fact. And given how they were living on the suburbs of the city, the roads weren't cleared unless you did it yourself... Even more bothersome. _If Anija was here, I would tell him to do it_... Ritsu shook his head, feeling his stomach drop. It wasn't the time to get depressed over Rei. Something wet touching his hand reminded him of that. He looked down, just to see his brother's pomerenian jumping to get his attention.

\- Stupid Anija... You went poof and now I have to take care of your poochie.

Even so, he knelt down and pet the dog. It's fur was dirty and he seemed hungry, but Ritsu only sighed and got up again. Just walking it was enough of a bother, he never promised to take proper care of it... He left the window and went to the kitchen, poochie following him. Opening the frigde he checked if there was any dog food left.

\- Guess I gotta buy it... What a pain, I should ask Maa-kun.

A gust of wind entered the kitchen through open window, making Ritsu shiver a bit. He forgot to close it, but nothing could be done about it anymore... Instead of shutting it, he walked up to it and leant against the windowsill. So late in the night everyone was sleeping, the streets were quiet and empty. With it's coldness, darkness seemed inviting. Ritsu knew this feeling.  _The void is calling it's sister_. Something cold and empty like him would fit in there. Well, he had to walk the poochie anyway. Putting on shoes he had to shove the dog aside every two seconds, otherwise it would be impossible to tie his laces. 

\- You have been outside in the morning and afternoon, what's there to be so excited about?

Well, it seemed to like the snow. When some kid threw a snowball near them, it ran after it. As he was putting on a warm jacket, the poochie was already jumping so high it almost could lick Ritsu's face.

\- For some mini dog you sure can jump... - murmured Ritsu as he knelt down to connect the leash with it's collar.

Fortunately, thanks to it's small size it wasn't strong at all and even pulling with it's all might didn't make Ritsu walk faster towards the gate of their garden. In fact, he could've just let it outside and then clean the mess but for once he felt like properly walking it. Not even cars were disturbing the silence on the street. The only things he could hear was his own breathing, the dog and rustling of snow under his feet. The feeling that filled his stomach was something he knew, yet it always amazed him nonetheless. As if the void inside him extended past his skin, connecting with eternal emptiness of winter sky. Winter nights aren't really dark, not when snow seems to illuminate on it's own, hiding the stars in fake brightness. But the cold air, peace and tranquility together with silence were making them feel more sacred. He didn't even notice when he already reached the place he usually walked the dog at. He bent down and let the poochie go without the leash, to it's visible joy. Like this, he had more freedom to just breathe and enjoy the feeling... of being alone. He should have enough of that with constantly empty house and no one even checking on him but... Being outside the house, yet still alone was a completely different thing. A change, but not complete, not exhausting. He can choose to do it from time to time, then go back to the usual. It's safe and stable. The numbness brought by freezing air was relaxing as well. As he stood there, he started wondering. How would it feel like? To lay down in the snow, and wait until warmth leaves you? Would it be pleasant? Would the heat slowly disappear, leaving you numb and motionless, would world slow down, your own heartbeat becoming so weak even you can't feel it? At some point, would it stop hurting, just become nothingness that swallows you whole into the purest darkness?  _How would it feel like, to die_? Only those thoughts made him realise he was halfway through doing what he was thinking about. Already kneeling in the snow, his trousers wet and cold on his skin. The dog was licking his hand, it's warm tongue leaving burning traces on it. He quickly shooed it away, it hurt. 

\- Just because you can reach it, it doesn't mean you should lick it.

It looked at him as if it understood, but Ritsu knew it's too dumb to get his words. Even so, he felt weak, too weak to properly get up from the snow. From this close it looked like a soft sheets, welcoming him and inviting to lay his head on them...  _Coldness is far more comforting than warmth._ He had never been one to force himself to do something he didn't want to do... But he had promised Mao, right? That he won't try that again. Dying. But if Mao expected him to keep that promise, he should've stayed with Ritsu. Pay attention to him.  _Even that wouldn't have helped though. I would push him away again_. Nothing was making sense anymore, certainly he wasn't. _If only Oniichan was here, he would help me. Save me_. He knew it wouldn't work. Nothing could fill the void inside him anymore... But he still longed for it. Feelings of comfort, attention, kindness, love. Even if he knew nothing about them at all, he wanted them. His legs were too numb to move. He didn't plan that, yet it happened on it's own. Darkness seemingly missed him as well, trying to lure him into it's embrace without his knowledge. Some part of him wished for Mao to come and help him, but he knew it's hopeless. Isara was probably asleep, it was late after all. Being alone didn't feel good anymore, but he had no choice. There wasn't anyone with him from the beginning. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if this has ooc vibe, it's mostly self indulgent so I hope I didn't screw Ritsu's character...
> 
> Thank you for reading, if you enjoyed, don't forget about kudos/comment!


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